collaging is more than just something I do

There's some sort of dissonance that goes into altering photos of yourself. I always take out these lines that are next to my mouth. I don't see them in real life but they always read in camera. I take them out, and then I pile a whole lot of other shit on top of photos of me. I don't have a lot of outlets right now. I work 60 hours a week, 2 jobs, trying to be a 23 year old single girl, trying to meet new people. It's incredibly difficult as an artistic person to not have time to create art. This is what leads to my own depression in a lot of ways. Sometimes I like to sing with my roommates to pop songs in our living room, it feels good to be able to use my voice. Sometimes I get stoned and make glitter drawings with my friends, and it feels like I'm painting. But nothing yields anything substantial, nothing is too serious. I can't be too serious about my job, or it feels like I am an adult, which is wrong. I can't be too serious about making future plans or else the future will actually happen. I can't be too serious about being responsible, or else I'm leaving behind the "naivety" that let's me get away with doing the stupid shit I do. I can't be too serious about anything or else people will take me seriously.

I hate the world. I want to own it. I want to be mine. I want it to be exactly how I want it to be, I want it to be colorful, I want to time travel, I want to be in a golden field, I want to have my beauty accented by a soft glow of a flower, I want the sunset to shine through my face. I want to collage my life. I want to select all the noise and delete it, I want to copy and paste everybody I love right into my house. I want to erase that attitude. I want you to focus on my eyes. 


My world, how I want it, how I want it to look, what I want to be around, how I want you to see me, that is what I want, that is why I cut out pictures from the internet.